I had it all, I’m pretty sure. But then again, maybe I’ll never know til it’s really all over and done. I doubt I’d seen all this world had to give; not yet, anyway.

I’d had it all, I’m pretty sure, because there is nothing like this reminder which tells me I’d lost it all.

I’m not sad, that’s not what this is. Because having had it all means I’d had to have known some form of nothing before, wouldn’t you say? Like my friend Drake would say, though in a much cooler way, I think we’d all started at the bottom. We all started with some kind of nothing, rose to a top of sorts to come crashing back down or find the top wasn’t in fact the top at all. And for having anything at all, I’m realizing, I’m doing well. Like recognizing buckets of glorious grace in the midst of the grey skies, I’m doing pretty okay.

I’m not ashamed like I were before. Ashamed because i’d found and lost a whole world that is. Though yes, still I struggle, I find myself rising from those ashes again. Rising to some form of beauty again. Rising from what seemed like the loss of the world to find really, I’m just beginning to find what I were here to know anyway. That really to lose might just end up being to gain.

I could stand for days without food or water and watch in playback how I’d lost a whole world. Eyes shift back and forth, red nose and pale face. I could, but I think I’m finally realizing. It takes losing a world to gain back my soul. Losing leads to finding. Tears lead to joy and sun follows the footprints of the rain.

I had and lost it all. That’s what I’d thought anyway.