I’ll be honest. Because, I mostly have troubles lying anyhow.

I’m Twenty Nine. And I wasn’t okay with it.

In fact, I was so dreading my birthday that I refused to talk about it and hushed people when they’d mention the upcoming horror. This is year two of two that I’ve tried to escape the inevitable. You see, I’m not so afraid of the years flying or my age affecting what I can accomplish. Rather, life hasn’t been what I’d expected the past few years and I didn’t want to celebrate what I was entirely ashamed of; my life- The Mess.

I was looking in the wrong direction. Focusing my attention in all the inappropriate places.

I thought perhaps I’d run away from the number, the day, the so-called celebration. I thought perhaps if I clenched my jaw and held my fists tight enough, the day could just somehow go away. I hadn’t recognized all those troubles in life would keep coming, and continue going, and I’d need to look at all that was pure, lovely, admirable and worthy. I’d need to recall all those ways He’d taught me, matured me, provided good gifts and and loved me these past few years rather than all that wasn’t going as I’d planned {not as He’d planned}.

Yes, I needed to face something that I had no control over changing. I realize that. I realized that the entire time I were fighting, but kept this wild hope anyway. And that’s the thing with hope. We all have it, we just mostly stuff it full of zeal and ignore the bathing of wisdom it so needs in order to be pure {2 Zeal without knowledge is not good; a person who moves too quickly may go the wrong way}. I had hope, but it was the hope of a kind that fades & disappoints. I needed that hope which never disappoints, and really, don’t we all.

And so today being day two of a new year, I’ll put away that foolish pride which thinks somehow it can make days and years go away, and live this life with a hope for my future. I’ll lay down that desire to control that which I cannot, those feelings of shame and disappointments and look to something much greater. For my future as a Twenty-Nine, Thirty-Two, Fifty-Six and Eighty-Eight year old held within the palms of a Savior with a plan. A future which brings life, regardless of that which I can and cannot control and a character which doesn’t cease living in gratitude because tides turn in a way which doesn’t please me. Celebrate with me friend; choose to lay down that which you cannot control and keep your trusting, wise hope in The One who created you for life & life to its fullest.

Twenty Nine & Feeling Fine,